So I've been under a lot of stress lately.
As we all know, there are certain activities one can partake in to help relieve some of the stress one might be feeling. Let's just call it self-love.
To be honest, when it comes to self-love, I am a complete and utter amateur. In fact, one might even call me a self-love virgin! It wasn't for lack of trying but after quite a few unsuccessful tries--especially recently with all the stress going on--I finally decided to admit my frustrations to the one person who knows me best and wouldn't laugh.
I went to my best friend Amber.
After telling her my frustrations and pulling my hair and ranting and admitting this was a situation filled with absolute suffering and nearly painful, she took a drag of her cigarette and looked at me and said, "...you know, there's a sex shop right down the street."
Honestly, I'm a huge chicken when it comes to sex toys. I've never tried any, I've never been curious enough to check it out, and I've never really wanted to. However, now I'm in a situation where I really don't see myself going on the prowl. So I gave Amber a look and said the first thing that came to mind, "There's no damn way I'm buying a freakin' dildo."
She kinda rolled her eyes and said, "So just get a vibrator."
"Idon'thaveanymoney," I quickly countered.
"Dude, you can get one for, like, ten bucks," she replied.
"I don't have that!" I really don't, to be honest.
"I can buy you one," she said.
And that gave me pause. We'd gone outside so Amber could have a smoke and so that I, who was sexually frustrated, could ease some of my discomfort by playing fetch with the dog. I didn't say anything more for a good long while. I think maybe one or two hours. Finally, when she went to have another smoke, I went with her.
"...is that sex shop within walking distance?" I asked, not daring to look at her.
"Yeah, but it's kinda late to be going now," she pointed out. It was dark by then.
"No, no. I know," I said. "I was kinda thinking maybe, tomorrow...we could go for a walk and...well, go browse." I coughed meaningfully. She knew what I meant. "We could go on an adventure!"
"Alright, cool!" she agreed. Amber, obviously, has a lot more experience in this stuff than I do.
So we went on an adventure today. Two brave, bold women went for a calorie-burning walk down the street. We had to go all the way down to the first set of lights because j-walking across our street was just asking to get hit by a car. It's a busy street. Into the sex shop, we bravely ventured, and departed with our goods. VOCTORY!
I have the best best friend in the world. Thanks to her, I'm now the proud new owner of a vibrator.
I'll also be studying the Pavlov's dog theory. No, not really. I'm just a huge computer geek.
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